The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
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You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
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I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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