All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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