you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
