My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
