My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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