woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
