Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
