I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You ruined the universe
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
