Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Randomize
