I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
