I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.