I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
