I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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