I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
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The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
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Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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