Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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