my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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