On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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