I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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