I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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