I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
