I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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