when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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