i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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