Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
