That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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