have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
