and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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