you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
