So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
