So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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