mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
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She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
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siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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