there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
