i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
