Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
