everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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