booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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