i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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