So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
