I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
