I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Houston, we have a blender
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
