His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
