Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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