definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
