You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
