Got a toothbrush?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
