I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
