Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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