I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
