I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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