Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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