I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
