She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
