he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
