Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
