how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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