so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
